for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
