im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just want nice things and good sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
