It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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