I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
how drunk are you?
Several
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
