I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize