i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
