The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Naked. naked and bneed help.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
