My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
