i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
