my phone needs a breathalizer
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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