Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
