Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
