Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
