dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
