You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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