During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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