is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
