I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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