he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize