no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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