Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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