I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
