It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
