dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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