So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize