i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
