Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
