Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
