The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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