doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
