How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
