The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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