I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
