Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
