john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
