After last night, I could never be a politician.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
