Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
