I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
