I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
