I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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