I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
