He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize