last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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