I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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