you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
