You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
