I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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