I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
