So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
