How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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