I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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