I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
