so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
