The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
