Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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