I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
