sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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